Total Active Disengagement

Today has been a bittersweet Veterans Day, as many friends and family “thank me for my service,” while the American people have just taken a giant crap on what it means to serve one’s country.

It is hard to describe the last week.

I have crystal clear memory of 1963, sitting in Mrs. Coward’s 1st grade class when the principal, Mr. Manna came in tearfully telling us that President Kennedy had been shot.

I remember the moon landing in 1969, huddled around a black & white screen at the Nettleton’s fieldhouse, way past bedtime, with close family and friends

I was mid-operation in Room-F at St. Francis Hospital on the morning of September 11, 2001 when Romeo ran in to tell us about a plane hitting the World Trade Center, and again 15 minutes later to tell us about the second attack.

I will similarly remember November 5, 2024; going to bed at 8:30, unwilling to watch election events unfold real time; getting up at 2 a.m. on November 6th, turning on the TV, seeing the vote counts; then turning it off and sitting in silence for an hour on the couch trying to figure out what’s next.

What’s next? I mean, what’s next for me. Because at that moment, I knew that this was no longer my country. I don’t belong here. I’m not welcome here. I don’t like it here. What the American people had done was astonishing, inconceivable, and unforgivable. I cannot say that I was surprised, because the clues were everywhere that this sickness had infected the minds and hearts of too many once good Americans. I can’t say that I was disappointed, because that would imply that I had been hopeful, and I had refused to allow myself the risk of hopefulness.

Mostly, I am deeply ashamed of America.

I am angry, furious, enraged, but silently and internalized, the worst way to channel such feelings. I want to break something, but I don’t know what.

I suffered under the strain of experiencing our now President Elect drag this country through the sewer for the past eight plus years. The only brief respite I have had from his toxic presence was after he fled Washington DC in ignominy and defeat, too weak a man to welcome his successor to the White House, shake his hand, or attend the inauguration. At that moment, I was certain that we were done with him. All of America finally saw him clearly for exactly who and what he was. Mitch McConnell delivered his political obituary on the Senate floor. There was no path to redemption. Who in that moment thought there was a snowball’s chance in hell that he would ever again be welcome in politics or polite society? Damn!

But, here we are. “The people have spoken.” And what I hear is a giant, “Fuck you!” His supporters have told us that they believe his pathetic election lies, or worse yet know the truth and are still willing to go along with the scam. They think January 6th was a big nothingburger, just a tourist visit, and the DC jails are full of maligned patriots and heroes. No! There is simply no version of history or reality where either of those beliefs is rational or credible. If you believe those things, then sadly, you have been duped, manipulated, tooled. I guarantee that every single one of the spineless politicians who line up behind him knows the truth of these matters, but they have sold their souls for their political ambitions. I hate that, but I actually understand it. Spineless opportunism is hardly a new thing in politics. But I am deeply saddened and ashamed that Americans, safely and anonymously behind voting booth curtains, swallowed the ruse, hook, line, and sinker.

I could say a lot more about how I feel about my fellow Americans who inflicted another four years of this nightmare on us, on me. I probably shouldn’t. To be clear, my personal feelings have nothing to do with policy or politics. If your positions align on energy, climate, abortion, immigration, guns, etc., fine, I can disagree with you or learn from you and deal with it. This situation is unique and very personal. I’ve never thought or expressed any such feelings about Americans who hold different opinions or support politicians who I dislike or with whom I disagree. For me, this is all about one vile, dangerous demagogue who has single-handedly hijacked the American psyche and driven a wedge into this country, leaving a divide that will last far longer than his numbered days, and is unlikely to heal in my lifetime. So, I’ll put it this way: If you respect him, it is very hard for me to respect you. If you think that he is a good and decent human being, then it is hard to see you as a good and decent human being. If you are willing to accept his transparent lies and deplorable character in order to derive whatever gains you think may come of his policies, then I must question your character, or at least your priorities. And I really don’t give a shit what it “costs” me to say this. The cost of pretending that “everything” is fine is too great. You have your country now. Do what you want with it. But I’m not part of the deal.

So, what’s the plan? It didn’t take long for me to recognize that the only way for me to survive, and I mean “survive” another 4 (or more) years in this country with this malignant psychopath is “total active disengagement.” I mean everything: Deliberately stop watching, listening, or paying attention to any and all of it. Turn away, turn it off. For someone who has always been very interested, informed, and engaged, this is life-altering. I will reinvent myself as a different person; live in a cocoon, impervious to what is going on in this country. I don’t care… I really don’t care anymore. I don’t want to know. I’m done.

I’ve deleted all my news apps and modified my social media exposures so as to minimize the risk of any information leaks. I stopped watching TV news, even BBC, because the foreign press is just as captivated by our shit-show as FOX and MSNBC. For 40 years I’ve commuted while listening to NPR; now it’s silence or crime podcasts. I threw away the newspapers last weekend, keeping only the crossword puzzles. Canceled my WSJ subscription. Long ago I ditched Twitter (X), along with much of the medical professional community that had blossomed on that platform before Musk killed it. Today, I still have no idea how the US House and Senate races worked out, and I don’t want to know. I don’t want to know what cabal of sycophants joins the new administration; maybe they will become the next round of insiders screaming from the rooftops to save ourselves. I don’t want to discuss US politics with anyone anymore, whether in agreement or opposition. It so does not matter any more. For me, it is only counterproductive and destructive. Now it’s about preserving (or regaining) my sanity. Survival mode. I cannot do anything more for this lost country.

I did bump into a guy last weekend who expressed delight at the election outcome, and before I could completely disengage, he said, “Don’t worry, it will work out good for you.” Meaning that I’d get tax breaks, lower interest rates and gas prices. That no matter what else was happening, my bank account would be the better for it. What a sad and shallow way to be. As if those were the important things about this election. Like I said, total, active disengagement.

The aftermath of November 5, 2024 has presented me with an unprecedented and most unwelcome life challenge. If this first week has been any indication, it’s going to be rough for a while. This should have been the happiest and easiest time of my life, and it is shaping up to be the most difficult. I resent the Hell out of America and Americans who have chosen to inflict this upon us, upon me.

I’m going to take a break from Substack for a while. Perhaps when I’m in a more settled place, I will resume with some apolitical posts, delving into interesting topics in medicine and health care.

Happy Veterans Day indeed.

Ted